The idiot needs you!

Yes, it’s true. The skillet wielding idiot needs you!

I’ve been wondering lately, which way to go in the oh so narrow and crowded field of food blogging. Is mindless ranting and rambling about cheese and the benefits of corn really the answer?

Why yes, ofcourse it is! There are a myriad of people writing about the proper way to cook a piece of bacon or how to assemble a burger. There are even more “show off chefs” attempting to sell the idea of complicated food, being really easy to make. I find myself amidst these titans of showmanship, screaming WHY !!! WHY NIGELLA WHY!!,  wanting to do something different, very different.

Which is why I now ask for you, the reader, to tell me why you want to read this, if you even read it at all, what would make you read it? More importantly, what would you like to see? More themed weeks or months? More focus on recipes (likely to happen), more fancy talk about why I am a good cook (less likely to happen), my relationship to fresh produce, in hipster haikus (if the planets align I’ll get on it), less rambling (I think we get the point, please stop).

So tell me, by way of commenting, what would make you return, what would make you read and nod, silently mouthing “fucking aye” as I drone on and on about my love for pizza and hatred for hipsters.

Tell me, oh please tell me.

Yours Truly

The idiot…. 

On Paleo, LCHF, Bulking and other buzzwords….

You hear it a lot, you see it a lot, in fact I think that the migraine you’ve acquired in recent memory, is partly because of it. You can’t take a simple walk outside to just enjoy a beer and a slice of pizza with your friends, without the eyes of judgement baring down upon you from all sides. ”Look at the fatties” says the uncombed hipster as he struts about in his low hanging wife beater, bearing his unshaved armpits and looking a bit, too comfortable, with the fact that he is the embodiment of hypocrisy. ”Oh god I can hear them breathing!” says the fitness girls, so slim that you can thread a needle with them.
The devil has many names and comes in a wide variety of shapes and sizes. He may have donned a curly mustache, a jacket once reserved for those who found truth at the bottom of a bottle. He may have been at the gym all day, working to make that ass of his appear rock tight. He may even, be sitting in the room with you right now, complaining about the non fat option being too fatty. No matter his guise or attempts at deception he is the devil and his mission is clear, to implement a new order of the ”elite people”, the beautiful ones that obtain their good looks through rigorous starvation and exercises designed to kill, rather than to free up untapped potential.

The new religion of the modern western world, is not all that different from past religions. There are a myriad of options, various

May the Fourth be with you !

I find it fitting, that as a glorious May the 4th draws to an imminent closure, I sit here, filled to the brim with good feelings, writing the last text of the day, as the rebellion descends upon the second Death Star and the Emperor attempts to turn Luke onto the path most likely to produce even more incest memes. Lets get it out of our systems once and for all, yes they kissed, yes they had a thing for each other, and yes, maybe they knew and maybe they went for it. In the end some have liberal views on the matter and we cannot and should not attempt to control what consenting adults decide is “a good time”. I guess the irony here is that my acceptance for incest long ago in a galaxy far far away, also leads me into having to say that George Lucas can do whatever he wants to the trilogy, but like Han I always shoot first so lets not discuss that..

Cooking… like a Jedi

“Then this cracker, Skywalker, gets his hands on a light saber and the boy decides he’s gonna run the fuckin’ universe; gets a whole clan of whites together. And they go and bust up Vader’s hood, the Death Star. Now what the fuck do you call that?”

Intergalactic civil war?
Gentrification! They gon’ drive out the black element to make the galaxy quote, unquote, safe for white folks. And Jedi’s the most insulting installment! Because Vader’s beautiful black visage is sullied when he pulls off his mask to reveal a feeble, crusty, old white man! They tryin’ to tell us that deep inside we all wants to be white! ”

Hooper X and Banky Edwards – Portrayed by Dwight Ewell and Jason Lee respectively (Chasing Amy)

Now you may be feeling the serious dial is about to go up. You might be getting uncomfortable, feeling the painful sting of doubt, wondering “why did I read this?”. Then again you may be a Kevin Smith fan and remember the masterpiece that was Chasing Amy, whatever the case you will still feel guilty for liking something featuring Ben Affleck. In either case I won’t judge. Food and witty banter go well together, and Ben Affleck is not a bad actor. I’d quite like it if he portrayed a Jedi in the upcoming Star Wars trilogy. I’d quite like it if the Boba Fett time travel adventure would happen. I’d also quite like to change the subject.

“It’s a trap!”

Sound the alarms, honk the horns and alert the online media. The truthers, the believers in extra terrestrial overlords and those conveniently scientists turned manic-depressive alcoholics, who all worked at Area51. All of them were right all along! You governments have been lying, your heroes are in fact not your heroes and the end is nigh.

…on the importance of curiosity

At first there was dark. Then light, people, moss and all the other things we take for granted. The process may have taken aeons, but on a universal scale that’s like a good long vacation. Not being scientifically inclined, a mathematical genius, hell I don’t even want to call me mathematically proficient, my calculations of the universe in ”human years” may be slightly off, my hope is that they will at least entertain, be shared around the lab by people in white coats, wielding microscopes and infinite knowledge of just how awful it is to bite into an apple before washing it.

First of the day…

We begin, our little saga of potentially pointless ramblings, the way a day is supposed to start. The brunch has always been a strange marriage of breakfast and lunch, especially seeing how the ordinary brunch plate mainly consists of breakfast items. I like the idea of a big breakfast, I don’t like the idea of writing big breakfast constantly and therefore I will henceforth refrain from calling the brunch a big breakfast, rather adopting the name ”brunch” with its self-important air of ”I am a very succesful business person” smothering anyone who sits at nearby tables, if not already smothered by the wealth of baby carriages that assemble on any given sunday morning. Like a vast navy they lay siege to all café’s in sight, seeking to devour animals of all varieties, fit into tiny casings or beaten to death in their fetal stages. All of these combatants of no actual importance, gather and entertain their rebellious spirit, breakfast and lunch at the same time, it may be a food taboo, but it’s good to be bad.

Announcements!

See you all sunday, if you are not at the doctors office, getting a hearing device after some moron with a blog and a guitar, blew them clean out…